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Who am I? What do I want?

May9

I’m experiencing a little bit of introspection. It has absolutely nothing to do with the psychology exam I took today either. 47% of my grade for 2 hours and 40 minutes of frantic and intense typing. But like I said, this little bit of self-discovery has nothing to do with that at all. It has more to do with my current state of mind, as a single woman. A busy single woman with a full-time job and part-time school obligations that leave little time for dating or much of anything really. So I have more time to think about what I want than I do for pursuing what I want. And I’m very much aware of what I want. And what I don’t want. I think.

But what I wonder is why? Why do I want what I want? I’m not discussing specifics here just yet because that’s just a bit too personal for me at the moment. Maybe another time I will get more into it but suffice to say, all this introspection has me wondering, in a good way, what direction I want my life to take as far as finding a companion goes. Am I ready for a long-term commitment? I know any relationship I’m in has to be monogamous. I simply won’t share. But. I like being single. I like having my own place. I like the idea of getting lots of attention from the man of my dreams–to a point. I want to be able to have my space too. Physical space and mental space that is. I’m house-hunting so the idea of moving in with a man is nowhere on my list of wants right now. I like the idea of having my OWN place. All mine. With a lime green living room with black furniture and bright color accents like bejeweled pillows in fuchsia, turquoise, orange and yellow. MY place.

So what does that say about my desire for a long-term monogamous relationship? “I love you, honey, I just don’t want to live with you?” How does that work? And even though a relationship would have to grow over time before such commitment would be an issue, the thought of leaving the sanctuary of MY place to move in with someone, even years down the road, is not appealing to me at this time in my life. And yet long-term & monogamous is what I think I want. Is it? If not long-term, then what is it? How do you label that? Can long-term mean everything except moving into together and/or getting married? *shudders*

And how does finding a companion mesh with my life goals right now? I am at the point in my life where I can do anything I want and be anything I want. I definitely want to be in school. The most relaxing time I have each week is the drive to school on the evenings when I have class. Yes, this has been a particularly tough quarter with nine credit hours/three classes but I love being in school. I love the challenge. I love the forward progress. My job doesn’t pay well at all but it works with my school schedule and that is most important to me right now. I enjoy my fitness routine though I’ve seen more of the inside of a textbook than I have the footpads of the elliptical trainer this past month.

But where does a man fit in with all that? Or rather, does a man fit in with that at all? Should a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement be an option? Am I a slut for even thinking about this? What exactly is short-term dating? Is dying old and alone really such a bad thing? These are thoughts I have.

posted under Dating

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