{my spiffy blog}

~ adventures in wonderland ~

I fell in love.

May11

So, I woke up in his bed this morning.  I don’t regret that at all.  I wanted to be there.  I love the way he insisted we spoon together.  He didn’t want to get out of bed.  I rubbed his back.  He caressed my hip.

I left without a kiss.  Something I regret.  Something I blamed on him.  He said he was distracted.  He apologized.  I don’t think he meant it.  And my heart breaks a little more.

We were supposed to be just friends.  He was up front from the beginning.  He had been through a very difficult divorce was not ready for a long-term commitment.  We met anyway.  Again, I don’t regret that at all.

I was comfortable with him from day one.  Totally at ease.  I struggle with my feelings now but at the time, I was interested in pursuing, let’s just say, an unusual lifestyle and he wasn’t interested in a long-term relationship.  So, we were together but not.  And that was a comfort to both of us.  He showered me with attention from the beginning.  At times, it was annoying and he was almost clingy.  But the more time I spent with him, the more natural it felt.  My other ‘interest’ began to wane and my affection for him grew.

But things were difficult, complex.  I couldn’t let myself fall in love with a man who liked us ‘right now’ and didn’t want to give any thought to the future.  Our future.  Which was perfectly okay, because he’d been straight from the beginning about what he wanted.  The more affection I felt for him, the less I wanted to be intimate with him.  Yes, the more I loved him, the less I wanted to have sex with him.  It began to feel like I was offering my heart up to him each time we were together.  My heart breaking a little each time.

At times it seemed as if it was all about the sex to him and that’s when the walls started going up.  Those self-protective walls we so carefully build around ourselves.  We stopped all contact a few weeks back.  It was hard not having him in my life.  I thought of him often.  I don’t know when I finally admitted to myself that I loved him.  When I could stand it no longer, I emailed him.  That was three days ago.  And already my heart is missing another little piece.

Why am I doing this to myself?

posted under Dating
200 Comments to

“I fell in love.”

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