{my spiffy blog}

~ adventures in wonderland ~

Consumed

May12

I try to remind myself that things were slowly getting worse.  He was acting weird.  Impatient.  Rude.  He was snippy for no reason and didn’t seem to be happy no matter what I did unless we were having sex which became the only thing that mattered to him.  Or so I thought.  It wasn’t long afterwards that I decided to stop seeing him.

But I can’t seem to remember any of this in great detail no matter how hard I try.  It’s like my mind has blocked out the negative and all I can remember are the good times.  And as a psychology student, I know the mind does this and I find myself frustrated.  I know there were several reasons that I let him go but the memories are vague at best.  All I can remember are the good times.  That time I was having a bad day and he invited me over.  As soon as I arrived he dressed me in his cozy PJ’s, settled me on the loveseat and covered me in a blanket.  Then he brought me his iPad to play with and a plate of snacks while he continued to cook dinner for us.  Or the time we went to Wal-Mart together.  A perfectly domestic activity, the two of us shopping together.  Even now as I think of it, I get this warm happy feeling in my heart.  I think it was then I knew I loved him.  I could see us shopping together like that.

I cried myself to sleep last night and I’m angry at myself for it.  Why am I doing this?  Why do I check my phone again and again hoping to find a message from him?  He used to call and text all day long.  Why do I expect that he will do that now that I’ve let him back into my life?  Things are not like they were at the beginning.  And things were not that like that three weeks ago when I told him goodbye.  Why can’t I get that through my head?

And you know what’s worst?  I found a condo I’d like to buy.  It’s the first and only one I’ve looked at but I’ve been searching online since March so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to find anything like it for that price.  It has everything I want and I may just put in an offer.  The sad thing is, all this would-be joy over buying my first house on my own is overshadowed because I can’t think straight with a broken-heart.  And that just sucks.

posted under Dating
192 Comments to

“Consumed”

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