I’m experiencing a little bit of introspection.  It has absolutely nothing to do with the psychology exam I took today either.  47% of my grade for 2 hours and 40 minutes of frantic and intense typing.  But like I said, this little bit of self-discovery has nothing to do with that at all.  It has more to do with my current state of mind, as a single woman.  A busy single woman with a full-time job and part-time school obligations that leave little time for dating or much of anything really.  So I have more time to think about what I want than I do for pursuing what I want.  And I’m very much aware of what I want.  And what I don’t want.  I think.

But what I wonder is why?  Why do I want what I want?  I’m not discussing specifics here just yet because that’s just a bit too personal for me at the moment.  Maybe another time I will get more into it but suffice to say, all this introspection has me wondering, in a good way, what direction I want my life to take as far as finding a companion goes.  Am I ready for a long-term commitment?  I know any relationship I’m in has to be monogamous.  I simply won’t share.  But.  I like being single.  I like having my own place.  I like the idea of getting lots of attention from the man of my dreams–to a point.  I want to be able to have my space too.  Physical space and mental space that is.  I’m house-hunting so the idea of moving in with a man is nowhere on my list of wants right now.  I like the idea of having my OWN place.  All mine.  With a lime green living room with black furniture and bright color accents like bejeweled pillows in fuchsia, turquoise, orange and yellow.  MY place.

So what does that say about my desire for a long-term monogamous relationship?  “I love you, honey, I just don’t want to live with you?”  How does that work?  And even though a relationship would have to grow over time before such commitment would be an issue, the thought of leaving the sanctuary of MY place to move in with someone, even years down the road, is not appealing to me at this time in my life.  And yet long-term & monogamous is what I think I want.  Is it?  If not long-term, then what is it?  How do you label that?  Can long-term mean everything except moving into together and/or getting married?  *shudders*

And how does finding a companion mesh with my life goals right now?  I am at the point in my life where I can do anything I want and be anything I want.  I definitely want to be in school.  The most relaxing time I have each week is the drive to school on the evenings when I have class.  Yes, this has been a particularly tough quarter with nine credit hours/three classes but I love being in school.  I love the challenge.  I love the forward progress.  My job doesn’t pay well at all but it works with my school schedule and that is most important to me right now.  I enjoy my fitness routine though I’ve seen more of the inside of a textbook than I have the footpads of the elliptical trainer this past month.

But where does a man fit in with all that?  Or rather, does a man fit in with that at all?  Should a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement be an option?  Am I a slut for even thinking about this?  What exactly is short-term dating?  Is dying old and alone really such a bad thing?  These are thoughts I have.

I updated the pictures on my dating profile and oh. my. goodness.  I love the pictures, which is a rare thing for me, and I’m flattered by the responses.  Wish I could hire a secretary to handle the flood of email to my inbox because I really don’t have time for it.  (Don’t really have time for dating either, but that’s another story entirely.)  And that brings two thoughts to mind.  One, I didn’t think my old picture was so bad but if the response to these new pictures is any indication, it was definitely NOT all that.  And two, the shallowness of online dating surprises me.  Yeah, I know.  I should have expected it but I was surprised.  SO much attention with the new photos.  Hmm…

However, life is not perfect in the dating world even with good pictures.  I’ve gotten a ton of messages from men who want to meet me, not unusual.  However, some border on the obsessive (”I can’t stop thinking about you.”) and all they had done was visit my profile.  (Maybe good pictures aren’t such a good thing…)  And as I type this, I have a window open at said dating site and a 45 year old man from Dayton is spewing obscenities at me.  He sent me some instant messages “hi there” “ur hot” and I recognized him as one of the guys who had previously contacted me.  I knew I wasn’t interested so I responded with the following, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a match. I wish you the best of luck though.”  Oh dear.  That set him off.  For over an hour now, he’s been messaging me calling me everything but a nice girl.  He has threatened to choke me and all sorts of horrible things.  All because of my “horrible condescending” response to him.  Really?  What exactly am I supposed to say in that situation?  Play along and pretend I’m interested just to avoid hurting his feelings?  That’s just not my style.

But I’m thoroughly creeped out now.  I didn’t respond to his messages but I wanted to type, “This is what we call dodging a bullet.” He looked like a perfectly normal guy.

Like I needed a reminder that there are crazies are out there lurking behind every profile.

I confess to deleting a few posts that I’ve decided weren’t appropriate for the direction I want to take this blog now that I’ve settled in after the divorce.  I’ve thought of coming here to write many times but it never happens.  The thought of writing pops into my mind usually while driving and if driving and texting is bad, driving and blogging is really bad.  (Then why do I get the urge to run and see if there is a blog app for my Droid?)

I feel like I need to add a disclaimer to my blog now.  I am not changing the url so those who had the link years ago will still be able to find it, including my children and other relatives.  And I won’t be editing my posts to avoid hurting feelings or offending anyone.  I’m not going to think about any of that.  I’m just going to write.  I always write from the heart, a snapshot of how I feel at that moment.  These thoughts are not always pleasant.  So if you’ve been invited to my blog in the past, feel free to continue to visit, but please understand:  I’m not hiding my feelings when I write.  If I’m not happy with you on a particular day, you might not like what you read here.  Bottom line, it’s my blog and I will write what I want.  It’s not my fault that the truth hurts some times.  If you think this might be a problem for you then I suggest you don’t read it.  I will not respond to any drama, fits or displays of temper related to what you read here.  You’ve been warned so be smart enough to stay away if you think it might be a problem for you.

I am sitting here at my desk, as giddy as I’ve ever been — and by ‘giddy’ I mean so ridiculously happy that I spontaneously burst out with whoops and woots that I simply cannot contain.  The smile that seems to be cemented on my face is big and bright and probably won’t be leaving any time soon.  The reason for all my happiness?  Shortly before 11:00 am this morning I sat before a judge who became the first person to call me by my newly-changed-back-to maiden name.  She did so as she wrote the final signature on my divorce papers.  Delighted doesn’t touch it.  Thrilled gets closer but still has a way to go.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe this feeling to anyone who hasn’t been there.  Even those who were along for the ride don’t quite get it.  I am free.  The last bond severed with the ink from the pen that judge was using.  She smiled at me as she gave me the details of my new found freedom.  I will never forget it.  It’s over.  It’s finally over.

In the end, I got what I wanted and more.  Some things were discovered about ex and it was just a better idea for him not to go before the judge. And while I will admit to a sadistic desire to see him stand before the judge and sweat like a whore in church *snicker* I’m happy with how things went.  It’s over, it’s really over.  And I lived to tell about it.  Thank You, Lord!

41 year old female seeks… Wait.  Wrong kind of intro.  Let’s try that again.

Hi and welcome to My Spiffy Blog.  I am the blog owner, me.  No, that’s not my real name and I don’t plan to change that.  Google is such a powerful tool these days and I don’t want the site to come up in a search engine.  So it’ll be just ‘me’ for now.

I will be single soon but was married for almost nineteen years.  Ouch.  It hurts to type that out.  That’s a long time.  While I don’t plan to go into detail about those nineteen years, I will say they weren’t all bad.  Just most of them.  We (meaning - he threatened divorce, I took him up on it, he changed his mind) decided to divorce at the end of January 2010.  There were many things that delayed the actual filing, including the passing of his mother in February and my surgery in April.  I finally filed for divorce on June 4, 2010.  We were able to be amicable through most of the filing and mediation.  At one point, we even attempted reconciliation.  Since then animosity has reigned and we’ve had two failed mediation sessions and one court victory (for me).  The final hearing is set for November 30 and believe me, I’m counting down the days.  Whatever happens, whatever the judge decides, it will be over.  The End.  The final link binding me to him will be severed.  Once and for all.  God, I can’t wait.

I’ve got a nice little apartment back in my home state.  I moved with no job, little money and a desperate need to get away.  My girls came with me.  They are 100% supportive of not only the divorce but my signing up on a dating site.  Having our own place gives us the most amazing feeling of contentment and relief.  The change has been wonderful for all three of us, literally life-changing.  I’ve been told more than once that my girls have really blossomed since we left.  That’s all I need to hear.

Currently, I am employed with a retail company.  It was the first, and only, job offer I received.  I love my job and the people I work with so it was a very good fit for me.  Also, on November 10, I was accepted as a pre-law major at a local university.  I’m very excited and I can’t wait for classes to start on January 3.  Yes, I just might become a divorce attorney.  *smirks* Between work and school (gosh, I love saying that!) I expect to be very busy.  Heck, I’m already very busy.  Never enough time.  I still have hobbies though.  I do dabble in some online gaming from time to time.  I still love photography.  I plan to join a gym shortly after The End but till then you can catch me doing laps around the apartment community from time to time.

That’s me in a nutshell.

If you’ve visited this blog in the past you may be wondering if the same person still owns it.  Yes, it’s me.  Let’s just say, life has a funny way of taking unexpected twists and turns and what used to be a blog about family and such is now a blog about the owner’s adventures as a single woman.  Quite a switch, eh?  But we have to take life as it goes or it will go on without us, leaving us in the dust of memories and intentions.  I’ve always shared my life online in whatever stage I was in; this is just a continuation of that.

So, here I am.  I hope to use the blog as a healthy outlet for expression while I travel down this new and unexpected road that life has me on.  Consider it a view of the lighter side of single life.  Besides, I think it’s gonna be really funny.  At least that’s my hope.